It's really stupid. Incredibly stupid. It starts off with a friendship, and the intention was to end it with one, but I can't talk to you anymore. I just can't. You have no idea how many times I opened a text, and started a message. It's just said "hi". But I can't bring myself to send it. Because I don't want you to think connotatively about it. I don't want you back, and I'm sure you don't want me back. But I miss having someone to talk to. Do you know that no one is coming to the birthday party I'm not having? I miss having you as a friend. But I don't know what to say any more. Isn't that dumb? People work so hard to build relationships, but then you come to the realization that romance ruins everything, 'cause chances are... it won't work out. So you loose a friend and someone who cares about you. And things will never be the same, because you're constantly thinking about what it felt like to hug that person, or hold hands with them. And you wonder if what they said was actually a lie, or if it was the truth.
If it was a lie, then you feel used. But it hurts worse if it was the truth, but now it doesn't mean anything.
That I don't mean anything.
Which leads back to the assertion that it's really stupid. And it's frustrating, because when you talk there are so many unsaid questions hanging in the air. Most of them begin with why.
Why did you want to break up with me?
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why aren't you attracted to me?
Why am I not what you want?
And it might not have anything to do with me, but I think it all the time. I think about how it was bound to end, but why now? Why couldn't it have been something we couldn't reconcile? Why did it have to be that you weren't "into me"? What wasn't there to be into?
and I think about physical appearance, and though it may have nothing to do with it, I still wonder. Was I too short, too fat? Why didn't you think I was beautiful?
WHY WHY WHY?
It's foolish really. It's dumb.
But it's there. And its what I feel.
And I'll hint around, and hope someday, we can resolve these questions so I can have my friend back.
But realistically, we won't be friends again. Not in the same way,
leading to the conclusion.
That love ruins everything.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Amazing quote
Some people need to hear this.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Hurting?
People, distance, things that change,
Everyday is something strange.
Now we move, far apart.
Not just in miles, but in our hearts.
Does the swallow carry love,
Across the moors that
blah blah blah
It's been said a million times, in thousands of blogs and poems-- Love sucks.
Relationships are synonymous with heartache.
So what is it that people want?
It seems a fundamental, we all want love.
So what makes it so hard to love others?
If love is something that everyone wants, if acceptance is something that everyone longs for, and affirmation is something everyone desires, what makes it so hard to give it out? Is it so difficult to hand out the thing that we desire the most? When you open yourself up to someone, and hope that they accept you-- all your flaws, quirks, hopes and dreams-- you leave yourself open to a world of rejection. You allow your deepest desires to be judged and lay them bare to be trampled on. So why is it, that people keep seeking love? Why can't we find it in ourselves the love we want from others? Because, it's easier to love yourself. It's easier to affirm your own choices, its easier to accept what you are, but asking others to accept you and love you is getting affirmation from the world. If the world can love you, then you have everything. But then we're back at the beginning, why can't we give everything to others? Is it so difficult to let little things go? The problem is that we love ourselves so much that we can't love others. It's a catch-22. Unless we are loved, we find it hard to love others because we don't love ourselves. Over and over. It's human nature to shy away from differences. We can't unconditionally love people who are different. Different speech, hygiene, hopes, morals, aspirations, interactions with the world. Different. And with rejection, hundreds of unwanted questions attack.
Was I not good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I too clingy?
Did he even like me in the first place?
Was it all a lie?
And those these questions may have no logical basis, they keep itching at your mind like a bug bite. Because the basis of your identity has been rejected.
And maybe there are good reasons accompanying these rejections, nevertheless, heartache attacks leaving these pesky questions behind.
SO what do we do?
Love.
Do the thing we despise the most at the moment. You hurt, so does everyone. No one is completely happy with themselves or with their relationships, so end the cycle.
Easier said than done.
But,
give someone some love.
People that see you loving want to love you back. If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.
Ask someone how they are,
How they really are.
And listen to the answer.
Tell someone they are beautiful.
Don't just say you love someone, tell them why.
If you can't love, how can you expect to get it back?
And someday, if you wait, someone is gonna find you
and sweep you off your feet, and want to love you. All of you, even the temper tantrums you throw when you loose at Monopoly.
and send you notes, just because they want you to think of them. Flowers because he wants you to smile.
Then its all worth it.
So I propose a challenge,
Love someone different from you.
Not your best friend…that's too easy.
Love someone you don't agree with,
Send them an email listing things you like about them.
And maybe they'll pass it on. And that's all it takes.
This world needs a little love, on this we all agree,
They why won't this pattern, start with you and me.
:)
Everyday is something strange.
Now we move, far apart.
Not just in miles, but in our hearts.
Does the swallow carry love,
Across the moors that
blah blah blah
It's been said a million times, in thousands of blogs and poems-- Love sucks.
Relationships are synonymous with heartache.
So what is it that people want?
It seems a fundamental, we all want love.
So what makes it so hard to love others?
If love is something that everyone wants, if acceptance is something that everyone longs for, and affirmation is something everyone desires, what makes it so hard to give it out? Is it so difficult to hand out the thing that we desire the most? When you open yourself up to someone, and hope that they accept you-- all your flaws, quirks, hopes and dreams-- you leave yourself open to a world of rejection. You allow your deepest desires to be judged and lay them bare to be trampled on. So why is it, that people keep seeking love? Why can't we find it in ourselves the love we want from others? Because, it's easier to love yourself. It's easier to affirm your own choices, its easier to accept what you are, but asking others to accept you and love you is getting affirmation from the world. If the world can love you, then you have everything. But then we're back at the beginning, why can't we give everything to others? Is it so difficult to let little things go? The problem is that we love ourselves so much that we can't love others. It's a catch-22. Unless we are loved, we find it hard to love others because we don't love ourselves. Over and over. It's human nature to shy away from differences. We can't unconditionally love people who are different. Different speech, hygiene, hopes, morals, aspirations, interactions with the world. Different. And with rejection, hundreds of unwanted questions attack.
Was I not good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I too clingy?
Did he even like me in the first place?
Was it all a lie?
And those these questions may have no logical basis, they keep itching at your mind like a bug bite. Because the basis of your identity has been rejected.
And maybe there are good reasons accompanying these rejections, nevertheless, heartache attacks leaving these pesky questions behind.
SO what do we do?
Love.
Do the thing we despise the most at the moment. You hurt, so does everyone. No one is completely happy with themselves or with their relationships, so end the cycle.
Easier said than done.
But,
give someone some love.
People that see you loving want to love you back. If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.
Ask someone how they are,
How they really are.
And listen to the answer.
Tell someone they are beautiful.
Don't just say you love someone, tell them why.
If you can't love, how can you expect to get it back?
And someday, if you wait, someone is gonna find you
and sweep you off your feet, and want to love you. All of you, even the temper tantrums you throw when you loose at Monopoly.
and send you notes, just because they want you to think of them. Flowers because he wants you to smile.
Then its all worth it.
So I propose a challenge,
Love someone different from you.
Not your best friend…that's too easy.
Love someone you don't agree with,
Send them an email listing things you like about them.
And maybe they'll pass it on. And that's all it takes.
This world needs a little love, on this we all agree,
They why won't this pattern, start with you and me.
:)
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Breath.
Every three years, like clockwork, my family was handed the orders dictating that we must relocate as my father could better serve his country in another location. And we moved while I watched enviously as my friends' fathers had their orders extended, giving them three more years of the life they had created. I have always hated that I've had to visit home, and that I could never have it. Home has been at the tip of my fingers for eighteen years, just out of my reach. After a while, I began to realize that family is the only home I'd ever have, wherever that may be. Going to college felt like I was loosing every little bit of home I had. I now had to define myself, not by my parents jobs or by the clothes they bought me or the church they decided to attend, but by myself. I've always had a fear of being alone, and just two days after my 18th birthday, I felt I would be. Each day leading up to my execution felt like something was being stripped from me. I felt my identity being taken from me. My life was being dramatically transformed, radically altered, until I barely recognized it. Who I was seemed a lie. All the self assured confidence that I possessed was swept away in a wave of doubt. I was no longer Kristine, I was a ball of clay, back at square one ready to be remade. Into what was the question. At the end of this, who would I be? Would I loose myself along the way? Where would I end up? There was a maze of roads in front of me, each within my grasp; I could choose my fate. What if I choose wrong, with so many options how would I know the right one? There were so many possibilities of the thing I feared more than any other, failure. So I prayed, often. I prayed and breathed. "Please let this be right." Breath. "Was this correct?" Breath. "What is your will?" Breath. And then held my breath while waiting for an answer.
Friday, April 9, 2010
What's A title
We are.
We are small.
We are that we are.
You and me.
Differently.
We are, faceless,
Souls longing to be.
We are lights,
In a never ending sea.
Passing by like
Fireflies,
But a moment,
For to see.
We are distance.
Floating in the wind,
Flurries in the snow,
Flying past the sun,
Going on and on.
We are,
Separate.
But together all the same,
Nothing but a name.
Looking for a change.
Trying NOT to change.
Looking for a home,
Looking for a place,
With someone we can face,
Someone we can show,
All the things we feel,
And the things we long to know.
To be all that we are.
and We are.
Us
We are small.
We are that we are.
You and me.
Differently.
We are, faceless,
Souls longing to be.
We are lights,
In a never ending sea.
Passing by like
Fireflies,
But a moment,
For to see.
We are distance.
Floating in the wind,
Flurries in the snow,
Flying past the sun,
Going on and on.
We are,
Separate.
But together all the same,
Nothing but a name.
Looking for a change.
Trying NOT to change.
Looking for a home,
Looking for a place,
With someone we can face,
Someone we can show,
All the things we feel,
And the things we long to know.
To be all that we are.
and We are.
Us
Saturday, January 23, 2010
It's a step. And we move in a dance, a whirlwind. Emotions run high, then..nothing. Trust and betrayal. And hope, always hope. Guiding us, moving us forward.
And we walk. Faster, further away from who we were. Closer to an obscure version of ourselves; who did we want to be? Each beat takes us further away from what we thought.
There's laughter. But the laughter brings tears. Peace. Taken from us. Moving ceaselessly we change. Ever molding into some being unbeknowest to us.
Suffocation. Struggling with every ounce to fight. Being sucked into the waves. Do you know me? Do you know you? We've nothing to prove, still we fight.
Acceptance. Warmth floods my soul. Free from self conciousness. Me. You. Them. Us. Together. We laughed, ran, teased, shared, lost, fought, sighed. Gone.
Rejection. Every flaw times ten. Too short, too fat. Too rude, too loud, too quiet, too wrong, too right, too bad, too good, too odd, too normal. Too me.
An idea. Growing, pulsing, taking life. Maybe? No. Uncertainty. Do you? Do I?when? How? Could you? I could. Hope, resignation. Anxiety. Am I good enough for him? Please
Longing. Lonely, waiting for light. Trusting it may come. Pushing. Pulling. Ebb and flow. Closer, further. Must you go?
Wounds open. Where are you? Why not me? What is she, everything I couldn't be. Disillusioned. Leaking emotions. Fix it. Come back, fill my emptiness. But still you stay.
He. Everything. Constant, He fills me. Soveriegn. Never good enough, yet He loves me. You are. I, weak, lowly. His? Full. Complete, only He fills me.
Broken so I could be whole.
Harmony.
And we walk. Faster, further away from who we were. Closer to an obscure version of ourselves; who did we want to be? Each beat takes us further away from what we thought.
There's laughter. But the laughter brings tears. Peace. Taken from us. Moving ceaselessly we change. Ever molding into some being unbeknowest to us.
Suffocation. Struggling with every ounce to fight. Being sucked into the waves. Do you know me? Do you know you? We've nothing to prove, still we fight.
Acceptance. Warmth floods my soul. Free from self conciousness. Me. You. Them. Us. Together. We laughed, ran, teased, shared, lost, fought, sighed. Gone.
Rejection. Every flaw times ten. Too short, too fat. Too rude, too loud, too quiet, too wrong, too right, too bad, too good, too odd, too normal. Too me.
An idea. Growing, pulsing, taking life. Maybe? No. Uncertainty. Do you? Do I?when? How? Could you? I could. Hope, resignation. Anxiety. Am I good enough for him? Please
Longing. Lonely, waiting for light. Trusting it may come. Pushing. Pulling. Ebb and flow. Closer, further. Must you go?
Wounds open. Where are you? Why not me? What is she, everything I couldn't be. Disillusioned. Leaking emotions. Fix it. Come back, fill my emptiness. But still you stay.
He. Everything. Constant, He fills me. Soveriegn. Never good enough, yet He loves me. You are. I, weak, lowly. His? Full. Complete, only He fills me.
Broken so I could be whole.
Harmony.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Silence
How to describe the sight of the sparkling blue ocean that enthralls
me?
The ever restless waves bubbling and leaping joyfully catching the
sun rays. The waves playfully teasing the toes of the sandy beach. It
glitters as if there are diamonds glinting just under the surface. I
feel the wind gently caress my hair, and the sun softly kiss my skin,
warming the depths of my being. I want to become unrestricted. I long to
gracefully leap atop the fence that bars me from this divine water. I long to leap upon it and stand, gazing at my target in the water. I nervously wiggle my toes and bend in the wind like a weeping willow. I push long and hard and dive into the water like a otter, ever so gracefully.
I want to dance with the waves, moving my legs within the cocoon of the
water.Feel the swirling liquid encase my arms and run through my fingers and toes. I duck underwater and my hair floats around me, fire in water. For I will ever possess an antithetical nature.
I long to feel weightless, all my flaws hidden beneath this diamond surface. I want to remain under the surface gently moving to the rhythm of the ceaseless waves, weightless in this peaceful quiet. In this silent world I long to remain carefree and blissfully innocent. I wish so desperately to find a hidden world of sea creatures that beg me to stay so that they can teach me the secrets of this crystal blue world. But against my will my lungs will beg for mercy and once again I'll have to surface to the cacophony of the world in which I reside. Perhaps I'll linger, dipping into the world I can only visit for but a moment. And eventually I'll walk upon shore. Dismally longing for that which I cannot reach. Breathlessly cold and dripping with the last drops of the diamond waves which now make my body uncomfortable. And I'll become aware of my flaws and hide beneath a towel. I'll drive away ever searching for the glimmering blue water peaking o'er the horizon.
Longing for a permanent piece of this sanctum, ever hoping for the weightless bliss I was apart of.
And the ocean ceaselessly beckons me, calling me, singing to me, with a rhythm I cannot resist.
me?
The ever restless waves bubbling and leaping joyfully catching the
sun rays. The waves playfully teasing the toes of the sandy beach. It
glitters as if there are diamonds glinting just under the surface. I
feel the wind gently caress my hair, and the sun softly kiss my skin,
warming the depths of my being. I want to become unrestricted. I long to
gracefully leap atop the fence that bars me from this divine water. I long to leap upon it and stand, gazing at my target in the water. I nervously wiggle my toes and bend in the wind like a weeping willow. I push long and hard and dive into the water like a otter, ever so gracefully.
I want to dance with the waves, moving my legs within the cocoon of the
water.Feel the swirling liquid encase my arms and run through my fingers and toes. I duck underwater and my hair floats around me, fire in water. For I will ever possess an antithetical nature.
I long to feel weightless, all my flaws hidden beneath this diamond surface. I want to remain under the surface gently moving to the rhythm of the ceaseless waves, weightless in this peaceful quiet. In this silent world I long to remain carefree and blissfully innocent. I wish so desperately to find a hidden world of sea creatures that beg me to stay so that they can teach me the secrets of this crystal blue world. But against my will my lungs will beg for mercy and once again I'll have to surface to the cacophony of the world in which I reside. Perhaps I'll linger, dipping into the world I can only visit for but a moment. And eventually I'll walk upon shore. Dismally longing for that which I cannot reach. Breathlessly cold and dripping with the last drops of the diamond waves which now make my body uncomfortable. And I'll become aware of my flaws and hide beneath a towel. I'll drive away ever searching for the glimmering blue water peaking o'er the horizon.
Longing for a permanent piece of this sanctum, ever hoping for the weightless bliss I was apart of.
And the ocean ceaselessly beckons me, calling me, singing to me, with a rhythm I cannot resist.
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