Sunday, August 1, 2010

Stupid

It's really stupid. Incredibly stupid. It starts off with a friendship, and the intention was to end it with one, but I can't talk to you anymore. I just can't. You have no idea how many times I opened a text, and started a message. It's just said "hi". But I can't bring myself to send it. Because I don't want you to think connotatively about it. I don't want you back, and I'm sure you don't want me back. But I miss having someone to talk to. Do you know that no one is coming to the birthday party I'm not having? I miss having you as a friend. But I don't know what to say any more. Isn't that dumb? People work so hard to build relationships, but then you come to the realization that romance ruins everything, 'cause chances are... it won't work out. So you loose a friend and someone who cares about you. And things will never be the same, because you're constantly thinking about what it felt like to hug that person, or hold hands with them. And you wonder if what they said was actually a lie, or if it was the truth.
If it was a lie, then you feel used. But it hurts worse if it was the truth, but now it doesn't mean anything.
That I don't mean anything. 


Which leads back to the assertion that it's really stupid. And it's frustrating, because when you talk there are so many unsaid questions hanging in the air. Most of them begin with why.
Why did you want to break up with me?
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why aren't you attracted to me?
Why am I not what you want?


And it might not have anything to do with me, but I think it all the time. I think about how it was bound to end, but why now? Why couldn't it have been something we couldn't reconcile? Why did it have to be that you weren't "into me"? What wasn't there to be into? 


and I think about physical appearance, and though it may have nothing to do with it, I still wonder. Was I too short, too fat? Why didn't you think I was beautiful? 


WHY WHY WHY? 


It's foolish really. It's dumb. 
But it's there. And its what I feel. 
And I'll hint around, and hope someday, we can resolve these questions so I can have my friend back. 
But realistically, we won't be friends again. Not in the same way,
leading to the conclusion.


That love ruins everything.